There was a bit of nonsense before this all started.  I’ve written a nice letter to the relevant people, and posted it below.  When/if they respond, I’ll post it here too.

Anyway, it left me in a bit of a bad mood.  I doubt I’d have enjoyed Sebastian Tellier’s gallic tomfoolery in any event.  Imagine an egotistical Vincent Gallo.  Seriously.  The music was sub-cabaret, with the crowd really only giving a monkeys when he played the one they knew (“La Ritournelle”, I am informed).  He took his trousers off at one point, and I was so bored that I hoped he would get his petit monsieur out and get the whole place closed down.

Owen Pallett, or Final Fantasy as he calls himself in disappointingly geekish fashion, was thankfully more impressive as he knocked up some little symphonies out of a violin, piano, several loop/effect pedals, some red wine, and some sticky tape.  The overhead projector movies provided mirrored this layering process; quite clever I thought.  The songs tended to start with him tapping out a tricksy rhythm on violin, layering on some longer notes, and then embroidering another level of melody on top (something a bit Reichian about all of this I thought, particularly given the Cello Variations piece I wrote about a couple of weeks ago), all whilst singing and shouting into his violin.  I couldn’t make out many of the words; I did consider the possibility that they may have been the weak link.  Because otherwise he would just have been too damn talented.

Oh yes, the letter in full:

Dear Sir/Madam

Last night, I attended an event at the Scala – a performance by Final Fantasy.  I have been to your establishment on several occasions previously, and have always considered it a pretty decent concert venue.  OK, I’d maybe like a few (make that many) more toilets, and I often get lost wandering around the labyrinth-like corridors, so maybe a couple of signs for the directionally challenged would be appreciated.  Last night was different, and I would like a few answers as to why that was. 

I arrived at the venue about 15 minutes after the doors opening time as stated on my ticket – quite reasonable I thought, given that generally nothing much happens in the first half-hour, and I’d be as well using that time drinking in an establishment that didn’t try to bankrupt me by charging £3.50 for 500ml of a certain Jamaican beer.  In front of me, and stretching off a considerable way into the distance, was perhaps the longest queue I had ever seen. 

I joined the back of this monster, and stood, and stood, and stood, and shuffled a bit forward, and stood, and stood, and got pestered by a ticket tout, and stood, and shuffled a bit, and stood, and by this time I’m getting a bit cold (remember I have dressed for being inside your warm building not standing around on Grays Inn Road) and stood, and got pestered by a ticket tout, and stood, and stood, and shuffled a bit forward, and stood, and stood, and stood, and shuffled a bit forward, and put my head and hands inside my jumper because by this point I am really freezing (remember it is late October now not mid July), and stood, and shuffled a bit more, and got pestered by a ticket tout, and stood, and stood, and shuffled a bit forward, and stood, and stood, and stood, and shuffled a bit forward.

[Interestingly, a load of people were crossing over the road to the off-license where they were purchasing cans of a certain Jamaican lager at a substantial discount to that you would have been receiving had they been inside].

Do you get the idea?  I spent one hour and fifteen minutes in that queue.   I finally reached the door at about 9pm.  At which point I saw the set times on a sign by the door telling me that I had already missed the first support act, who I was really looking forward.  Brilliant.  Thanks very much for that.  I’m interested as to how they must have felt playing to an empty room - probably potentially their biggest ever crowd, and you snatched it away from them.  I bet they love you.

I finally reach the door, where the cause of the wait became apparent.  First, a huge bouncer ransacked my bag, removing my bottle of water (now why do you feel the need to do that?  I know it is not just the Scala who does this, but would you care to correct my notion that it is to force me to buy some more at your extravagant prices?)  He had a good rummage round, didn’t find anything else of interest, so turned his attention to my pockets, and had a good grab of my crotch too while he was there.  Nothing to interest him there it seemed, so I was finally deigned fit to pass into the building.  Hallelujah!

I am aware there was a recent incident in the Scala involving someone being shot.  This appears to have been at a so-called “Old Skool night” according to the BBC.  So it appears you had perhaps - and correct me if I am wrong here - rather less security at a really really rough night which would be frequented by a load of nefarious types, and to compensate, increased security for what was always going to be a night frequented by wimpy college kids.  What an excellent waste of your resources that was, and what a way to destroy any goodwill your clientele had towards you.

Anyway, the questions I’d like answering:

1) Where, either on my ticket or on your website or on the promoter’s website am I alerted to your new airport style security procedures?

2) How many people managed to get in for the first band, and what will be your response to a request for a proportionate refund for those who were prevented from doing so by your unpublicised procedures?

3) If this is an ongoing situation, I will not be back for any more Scala events.  There are a couple of events coming up I’d like to go to – should I bother buying tickets or not?

4) Have you given any thought to a sensible risk-based profiling of the events so as to ensure that you don’t needlessly waste your resources and really wind up a load of your customers?  I’m happy to provide a quick risk assessment for you, if that helps.  Here it is:  hip hop/r’n’b/drum and bass/old skool clubs – risk of gun crime HEIGHTENED.  Fey indie guitar-strumming or even violin-playing types – risk of gun crime LOW. Give it a try, see how you get on.

5) Seriously, what is with the water stealing thing?

I’ve published this letter online.  You have right of reply and I will be happy to post your response on-line. 

Yours sincerely

Scott McMillan