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The blackness scale. In order of increasing blackness:

1) Michael Jackson.
2) The night sky viewed from the edge of a mid-sized town in Hertfordshire.
3) The neighbour’s cat. It would have been higher but for the fact that it has white paws.
4) Coal.
5) James Brown (see also: the proudness scale).
6) James Brown’s hair.
7) A cormorant drowning in an oil slick. At night.
8) Jeremy Kyle’s soul.
9) The empty gaping void of all-consuming nothingness that will take the place of the Earth after the inevitable apocalypse has rinsed you and all you sinners out of the cosmos’s bowl.
10) Robedoor. Read the rest of this entry »